And Other Curious Home Remedies
Got a nagging ailment that you’re too embarrassed to see your local quack about? Worry not; for time immemorial, we’ve been prescribed curious home remedies, often from your mother’s eccentric, twice-removed cousin. The one with all the cats who knits her own muesli.
These remedies do not constitute professional medical advice. Who wants to be served legal papers by the cut-throat law firm of Slippen, Fall & Sioux? Not me. These remedies should only be explored if you’re exceedingly drunk or trying to gain entry to your preferred frat house. So, let’s begin healing the world, shall we?
Bad Headache? Take an uncooked potato. The variety is unimportant, but personally, I like a Russet. Cut that spud in half and rub it into your forehead. If that doesn’t work, have somebody sneak up behind you, grab your hair in a fist, and throw you around the bedroom like an empty cocktail dress. Effective at curing migraines? No idea. This method feels like it needs a safe word and a subscription to S&M fortnightly, but who am I to argue the validity of cures found on the internet?
Stuttering child? Don’t let your little treasure be held back by this hateful speech impediment. Simply book a flight to China, where a practitioner of ancient Chinese medicine will cure that pesky st-st-stutter by smacking your offspring in the face multiple times on a cloudy day. I’m not sure how crucial to a successful outcome the inclement weather is? Don’t fancy rolling the dice on a chance of sunshine? Find a practitioner here in the U.K, where it’s been reliably cloudy for over 300 years.
Sore nipples? Maybe it’s just joggers nipple, or perhaps curing your headache turned into an evening where your safe word was never uttered. Either way, we can triage your tit by rubbing a combination of egg white and brandy into those agonizing areolas. I wonder which descendant of Hippocrates came up with this gem? Alternatively, you could add a little simple syrup and a splash of lemon juice. Serve over ice with a slice, finish with a cherry, and you’ve got yourself a delicious Brandy Sour. Enjoy irresponsibly, and before you know it, you’ll be massaging all manner of things into your teat.
Jellyfish Sting? I think we’d all pass the medical exam if this one was on the test paper. If you get stung, get out of the water immediately, track down a person (ideally somebody you know) and have them take a tinkle on the stingy bit. Always wait to be asked, though. I saw a woman screaming in agony on my local beach, so I ran over and pissed all over her. Turns out that she’d only stubbed her toe. She’s now my wife.
Severe Sunburn? Spent a little too long in the sun, huh? Mix together a generous helping of yellow mustard ( I like French’s Classic Yellow, but hey, it’s your body) and, wait for it, Vagisil. I’ve no idea whether this works, but I bet it’ll elevate your quarter pounder to an epicurean nirvana.
Acne? Yes, that’s right, your favourite cure-all remedy is back. Early American settlers had novel notions when it came to eradicating acne. Picture, if you will, one of the founding fathers at the sink in one of the Mayflower’s en-suite bathrooms, splashing piss on their acne like it were cheap cologne. We cannot rely on teenage boys to hit the inside of the toilet bowl with any accuracy. If we ask them to start aiming at their own faces as part of their morning routine, we might be pushing our luck.
I’m confident that these remedies will solve all that ails you. If not, book an appointment with your local healthcare professional. Please take a shower first; odds on you absolutely hum of mustard and piss.
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